Grumble, grumble, sniff

I had a tear filled moment this morning at my desk. 



I knew it was coming. I could feel it.

Build up…build up…pressure…ready, set, explode!


Ugly cry.  Sad, ain't it?

I passed off my red nose and puffy eyes as allergies to those that asked and the person that set me off is without a clue that anything happened. I’d like to keep it that way.

I’ve been a cronky wretch of a woman lately and have not been able to pinpoint what exactly was causing the cronkiness. I’d think that I had it figured out and then *boom* my feelings would change.

What is it??? Sigh.

Big sigh.

Get it all out sigh.

I just don’t know for sure, but I’m thinking that this damn Tamoxifen has something to do with it. Or maybe it’s the acupuncture treatment? Or the change in diet? Or the Chinese herbs? Or side effects of radiation. Or my frustration that the Brazil nut is trying to make its way to the mainstream nut mix.

I don’t know. I hate not knowing.

Hey, don’t think that I’m going to jump off into the deep end. No need to talk me off the ledge. I will be fine and in comparison, it’s no where near as bad as chemo. For those that are new to the class, it was awful and so far, nothing in my life has come close to being as bad.


Another sigh.

I heard something on the radio this morning that was pretty cool. When we walk into a room, we bring energy to that room. We get to choose what kind of energy we bring in to share with the others in that room. That’s powerful, don’t you think? I have the power to change another person’s moment in time. Oh but yikes, they have the same power over me. Positive and negative.


So today, I came in with negative energy. Did I choose negative energy?  Nope.  It was just there. I think that if I had taken a moment, I could have made a shift, but I didn’t. Then I was greeted with negative energy (though the greeting was meant to be kind). Those around me had negative energy and, as a result, all of that power just knocked me down.

I just want to let go and be. Honest and true, I don’t know what I mean by that. It’s just what keeps coming into my head when I ask for the answer.

Let go and be...

Anybody know what that might mean?

**********************************
Updated two hours later...
Putting my words down has helped immensely.  Writing is a great form of therapy for me!

I thought I'd also clarify this whole Brazil nut thing since it's showed up in my last two posts.  It's a nasty nut that nobody seems to like, however it keeps on showing up in the assorted mixes that I buy.  You know...and I know, that the Nut People are just using this nut as a filler.  To add weight to the jar of mixed nuts.  You can never find Brazil nuts in a bag or jar by themselves, right?  You know why?  Because nobody would buy them and they'd go rancid.  Or they'd get shipped to starving third world countries.  If you see a "Help the Children" commercial any time in the near future, make a mental note to see if the little girl is holding a thumb shaped nut in her fist. 

Nut People, please quit toying with us.  We're on to you.

FINAL CHEMO!!!

I couldn't even sleep last night.  I was too darned excited about being done with this step of my journey.

Prior to going in to my Club Chemo visit, I stopped at the best donut shop in town.  Well, it's the only donut shop in town.  I picked up two dozen lovely fried dough balls, along with some croissants and pastry.  You see, I'm such a regular at Club Chemo, I know that Nicole doesn't like donuts, but she loves croissants.  My brain makes room for stuff like this, but sadly, this bit of information about Nicole pushed out something that was likely important...like paying the PG&E bill or feeding the fish.  Anyhow, I got my donuts and took off for the Club.

I needed to see Nurse Practitioner Christine before going back to the Club.  Being super smart, I asked if I could go back to the Club first and drop off my party donuts.  As I was going back, I announced to every person that I passed, "IT'S MY LAST DAY OF CHEMO!  EAT A DONUT!"  Seriously.  I shouted it.  Heads turned.  I just couldn't seem to help myself.

I walked into the Club and told Nicole that I brought party donuts.  She made a face like, "ew...nice...ew".  Then I said, "And there are croissants in there..." with a lilt in my voice.  Her eyes lit up and her face changed to, "YOU ROCK!"  Yes, I do.

Then I looked over to my right and lo and behold...MY chair was open.  I asked if I could leave my bag while I went to my appointment and, well heck...I was holding a big giant pink box of goodness...how could they say no???

The sheer amount of giddiness that I had about achieving my goal of having the same chair for all four visits was ridiculous.  I practically skipped over.  Okay, so I actually skipped over...with my free arm waving to the other guests in their cabana chairs.  "I brought donuts...it's my last chemo!!!!"  A man and his wife was leaving the Club and he said, "Life is easy after this."  I shot him a smile and then tried to shove a donut into his hand.  I'm such a food pusher, even in an environment such as the Club.

My visit with NP Christine, aka the Dog Lover, went well.  She did everything that she needed to do and checked all of my labs.  Then we talked about my BodyMedia that I wear on my arm and about her dog and how he played tug-of-war with a piece of linoleum in her husbands shop.  I'm sure that the next patient was waiting with a foot tapping wondering where in the hell Christine was.  Sorry fellow cancer patient.

This is Christine with her 9 month old Golden...she rocks him in a chair every night for 20 minutes.

Kelly, the medical assistant that takes my weight (she's been sworn to secrecy...pinkie swear...it is legally binding), brought her scarf with her so that I could show her how to do a turban.  She planned on spending her lunch break with me in the Club so that we could do a lesson.

My fancy turban wrap.

After my time with Christine, I went back to the Club and guess what?  My chair still had my bag in it and there were more people that had arrived...and they were eating my donuts.  Sheer bliss.  And when every new Club member walked in and said, "Who brought donuts???"  I announced, "ME!!!  IT'S MY LAST CHEMO!!!"  Big smiles, thumbs up and congratulations came at me left and right.  It was such a big difference from my first visit to Club Chemo.  I remember thinking that it was very doom and gloom.  Now I knew what kind of donut Edna preferred.  Glazed old fashioned.  I also learned that Edna is a messy eater, because Nurse Sandra complained of the crumbs that she left behind.  I made a mental note to double check my chair when I left.

See that chocolate old fashioned?  That was mine.

The cocktail was the same as always, but it seemed to go by faster.  I still had to unplug and go to the bathroom half a dozen times, but it just didn't seem to be an issue any longer.  Sandra looked at me each time I walked past her station and smile.  I'm going to miss her.  She was the first to put the cocktail in me and, as it turned out, she was the one that drained the last bag.

Nurse Sandra with me...love her.

This was an experience that I'll never forget.  Good bye Club Chemo.  I'm changing my vacation spot to somewhere warmer...Destination Radiation.

The next chapter to come!