Grumble, grumble, sniff

I had a tear filled moment this morning at my desk. 



I knew it was coming. I could feel it.

Build up…build up…pressure…ready, set, explode!


Ugly cry.  Sad, ain't it?

I passed off my red nose and puffy eyes as allergies to those that asked and the person that set me off is without a clue that anything happened. I’d like to keep it that way.

I’ve been a cronky wretch of a woman lately and have not been able to pinpoint what exactly was causing the cronkiness. I’d think that I had it figured out and then *boom* my feelings would change.

What is it??? Sigh.

Big sigh.

Get it all out sigh.

I just don’t know for sure, but I’m thinking that this damn Tamoxifen has something to do with it. Or maybe it’s the acupuncture treatment? Or the change in diet? Or the Chinese herbs? Or side effects of radiation. Or my frustration that the Brazil nut is trying to make its way to the mainstream nut mix.

I don’t know. I hate not knowing.

Hey, don’t think that I’m going to jump off into the deep end. No need to talk me off the ledge. I will be fine and in comparison, it’s no where near as bad as chemo. For those that are new to the class, it was awful and so far, nothing in my life has come close to being as bad.


Another sigh.

I heard something on the radio this morning that was pretty cool. When we walk into a room, we bring energy to that room. We get to choose what kind of energy we bring in to share with the others in that room. That’s powerful, don’t you think? I have the power to change another person’s moment in time. Oh but yikes, they have the same power over me. Positive and negative.


So today, I came in with negative energy. Did I choose negative energy?  Nope.  It was just there. I think that if I had taken a moment, I could have made a shift, but I didn’t. Then I was greeted with negative energy (though the greeting was meant to be kind). Those around me had negative energy and, as a result, all of that power just knocked me down.

I just want to let go and be. Honest and true, I don’t know what I mean by that. It’s just what keeps coming into my head when I ask for the answer.

Let go and be...

Anybody know what that might mean?

**********************************
Updated two hours later...
Putting my words down has helped immensely.  Writing is a great form of therapy for me!

I thought I'd also clarify this whole Brazil nut thing since it's showed up in my last two posts.  It's a nasty nut that nobody seems to like, however it keeps on showing up in the assorted mixes that I buy.  You know...and I know, that the Nut People are just using this nut as a filler.  To add weight to the jar of mixed nuts.  You can never find Brazil nuts in a bag or jar by themselves, right?  You know why?  Because nobody would buy them and they'd go rancid.  Or they'd get shipped to starving third world countries.  If you see a "Help the Children" commercial any time in the near future, make a mental note to see if the little girl is holding a thumb shaped nut in her fist. 

Nut People, please quit toying with us.  We're on to you.

Footloose and Cancerfree

I heard that I was cancer free on May 3, 2012.

Here it is, May 21^st and I’m just now posting about this.  You’d think that after hearing this MONUMENTAL news, I’d have a million words to type and share.  The emotion should be flowing from my finger tips…and yet…I’ve got nothing.

Sure, I’m happy.  Thrilled.  Elated beyond belief that this beast is gone from my body.  But the thing is this; I didn't really need to hear it from the radiologist.  I knew in my heart and in my soul that it was cancer free when I had the surgery to remove the mass on October 4^th.  I just knew.  All of the crappy chemo and radiation that I had to endure was done just for insurance.  Insurance that it wouldn’t come back and insurance that the Universe knew that I saw this whole thing as very serious.  Maybe that’s why I had so many words to share during that time.  I mean, it all seemed so silly to me, so I had that sort of silly perspective that just filled my head with words.

Some funny things that have happened since I got the “all clear”:

A receptionist that was about 25 says to me, “I love your hair style.  I wanted to get mine cut that short, but never had the nerve.”  I say, “I went through cancer treatment to get this sassy ‘do.  It’s a style that I got by default.”  She looks at me with only the eyes that a twenty-something could have and says, “That’s amazing.  Thank you.”  I didn’t just return from Iraq…I had cancer, so really, why is she thanking me?  Then she jumps in with, “I was also thinking that if I got my hair cut like that, it would be a tribute to all the cancer survivors out there.”  A blank stare from me.  I leaned on the counter, looked her in the eyes and said, “Cancer survivors want you to keep your hair.  Please don’t cut your hair for us.”

A big packet came in the mail to me.  Inside, I found a breast cancer medical survey.  I thought to myself, “You gotta be kidding me.  Am I on a mailing list now???”  After reading the cover letter, I discovered that I’d get a $30 check for completing the research study.  So, I filled it out.  Apparently, I can be bought.

Outside of the funny stuff, I’m now trying to figure out how to live life without daily appointments and an overabundance of medications.  I’m finding that I’m looking deeper into things like food & diet, relationships, why anyone would like the taste of a Brazil nut, and what makes me happy.  I’m taking Tamoxifen with some subtle side effects…HOT FLASH.  My hair is growing into a crazy curly wreck.  I had to shave my legs for the first time since December.  And I still love chocolate.  Amen.